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IV. The Beginner's Corner -- Bill Blohm
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First, a brief review for any new readers, and a refresher
as to what was expected from the last Beginner's Corner:

   The assignment is to write a haiku using a basic
   scene specified by me. The rules and scene are:

    Rules:
      Strict 5-7-5 format is to be followed
      Fundamental haiku rules must be followed, except
      that you do not have to have been there yourself.
      Any details filled in must be valid for the setting.

    Scene:
      You are sitting at the beach watching the sun go down.

    One note:  I have not specified any particular season,
      any more than I did last time.

And now we begin our review of what has been sent against the
above specifications.  I'm trying a different format than before,
breaking the submissions up by poet rather than presenting all
the haiku first then the commentary.  Also, I've pulled all but
what appeared the best haiku by each author and concentrated on
that.  The authors should feel free to email me about the others.
Finally, at the end I describe a new format that I feel may be
more beneficial in an article like this.  Feel free to drop me a
line and let me know what you think about the format.

Before we start, I find it interesting that where the poets here
specify the beach it's always at the ocean.  When I originally
wrote the scene, I didn't think that much about it.  But a point
I'd like to make is that the beach could as easily have been on a
river far from any sea.

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Layers of red sky
dissolve into horizon
Darkness rubs yellows

John (partyice@aol.com)

While a good start, it doesn't specify a specific location.  It
covers the sunset, but one of the points of Beginner's Corner is
that I specify a location and you must present that location to
the readers.  That is the main problem with this haiku: It does
not specify being on a beach.  It should give the reader the
desired impression of sitting at the beach watching the sunset.

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     Atlantic summer
       waves wash my feet as the sun
         sinks into wet sand

Peter Corless (pcorless@cisco.com)

This has a good flow.  The first and last lines specify the
location as being on an Atlantic beach in the summer.  The 5-7-5
format is met, and there's additional detail, such as the fact
that the poet is right at the edge of the water.  Yet, I see one
possible discordant note: The sun is sinking into the wet sand,
but you are close enough to the water's edge to have the waves
wash your feet?  That is a long way for the beach to go.  I
suggest that the last line should be brought into harmony with
the other lines to remove this contradiction.  This contradiction
is caused by the use of Atlantic in the first line, which forces
the sun to set inland if in the Americas or to sea if in Europe
or Africa.

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On the beach I sit
eyes cast over sand and surf
watching Sol's descent

Larry D. Shepherd (rmhp20a@prodigy.com)

I would suggest perhaps changing 'cast' for 'roam' instead.  Cast
indicates more of an action, a quick glance, a bit of hurry.
Roam would be more mellow, more relaxed, and give the same idea
of looking around while watching the sun's descent.  The use of
Sol is interesting, as referring to the sun by its name isn't
common.  I wonder if this might not be confusing to modern
readers.  You might want to think about using a different
descriptor, but it might be difficult to simply replace Sol and
keep your count without
having to re-write the entire line.

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  sounds of the sea
    filling my ears and my eyes
      the reddening sun

Mike Hubbard (mikeh@solo.pipex.com)

This comes close and then throws in a small wrench.  It is a good
first attempt.  This haiku misses the required format of 5-7-5,
its 4-7-5.  On the whole, if this weren't for a structured
exercise, I'd be inclined to accept it.  However, one of the
points of requiring the 5-7-5 structure to be adhered to is to
force the poet to meet a somewhat rigid format requiring
discipline and exploration.  A ready fix would be the insertion
of 'the' before the word 'sounds'.  The presence on the beach is
not clearly indicated, as it could be anywhere near or on the
sea.  The reddening sun clearly indicates sunset.  I think its an
excellent start, and has a nice flow to it.  (See the note about
the future format of Beginner's Corner at the end of the
article.)


The far sail glows red
as the cold salt wind blows by
the sea starts her night

Lt James K. Selkirk Jr. (jkselkir@nps.navy.mil)

You've got the format, you've got the picture.  You don't give
any indication you are sitting on the beach.  Still, since I took
others to task for this, I now have to point this out.  The
location is perfectly valid anywhere near or on the sea.  Other
than that, I think this is well done.  I like the way you give
indication that you are looking out across the sea by the
reference to the far sail.  The first and last line clearly
combine to indicate sunset while filling in some additional
detail.  One possible problem with the last line is that some
perceive the use of "her" when referring to the sea as an
anthropomorphism, something generally avoided in haiku.  Myself
as a fellow sailor, I refer to the sea the same way.  So, in a
niche, this might be
fine as it is but presented to the public as a whole, some
would object.  Something to keep in mind.

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There have been concerns raised about the use of this format.
I also had some doubts about the use of this method for
Beginner's Corner when it turned out that we simply cannot
maintain a regular publication schedule.  This format of give and
take would work if Dogwood Blossoms came out regularly, but not
when the publication dates are anywhere from a month to several
months apart.  As a result, I'm proposing a change in the format,
and will be using this format in the next issue.

I will no longer provide a scene.  Rather, I will solicit readers
to send me specific haiku of their own that they would like help
with.  Of those, I will work one-on-one with as many as I can,
and I will use some of them to provide public feedback of how I
am helping the author, possibly showing how the haiku(s) change
during the give and take.  If I am helping an author and his or
her haiku does not make it into Beginner's Corner, I will
actively suggest that it be submitted for Original Haiku when I
feel that it is worth the try.

There is no scene that is to be provided for the next issue, and
the rule requiring 5-7-5 is being discarded.  (There were
objections from other editors on this point as well, and there
have been times when i would have liked to include a haiku that
was not 5-7-5.) In the future, this article will concentrate on
flow, presentation of a picture or event, the content, and other
such items that are truer to the spirit of haiku than an
artificial scene assignment is.

So, if you are a beginner having trouble with a haiku, or simply
want some feedback on the haiku you've written, e-mail it to me
and let me know what help you want.  Be sure to also let me know
if you don't want it published and are simply seeking help.  I
won't know what haiku I will use until the last minute when I
compose the article.

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