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V. Beginner's Corner
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by Bill Blohm (bblohm@hpbs1686.boi.hp.com)
First of all, thanks to all the budding poets who submitted haiku
for this inaugural installment of what I hope will become a
regular feature of Dogwood Blossoms!
One of the things I was hoping would become evident to readers
was the way different writers would see the same scene. I think
that this goal has been achieved. Although each author was
describing the same scene, only the very basics of that scene
were specified. I fully expected the authors to provide some
additional detail but insisted that they remain within the
working framework provided. Please see Dogwood Blossoms, issue
#8, for the setting I provided.
A quick summary for those of you who may not have access to issue
#8. The assignment was to write a haiku using a basic scene
specified by me. The rules and scene were as follows:
Rules:
strict 5-7-5 format is to be followed
fundamental haiku rules must be followed, except that
you do not have to have been there yourself
any details filled in must be valid for setting
Scene:
You have hiked for several hours. Tired, you sit down beside a
stream for a light lunch. Nearby is a small waterfall. As you
sit, quietly looking over the stream a small doe cautiously
appears, takes a drink, and leaves.
I decided not to accept one haiku. Its last line read "Joined by
nature sprites." My objection is strictly to this one line.
Remember that in writing a haiku, you are trying to provide a
picture, and what is in that picture must also be recordable by a
camera. Sprites are, as far as I know, ethereal beings and thus
not photogenic. One instance where this line could be valid is
if one saw a stranger in a waterfall as a sprite, especially if
the person was of the opposite sex and attractive. But still,
the use of the word "sprite" conjures up the supernatural, and
that is something not normally incorporated into haiku. In this
case, I do not think there is anything to indicate the presence
of another person.
Below are the six haiku submitted to the Beginners Corner. The
authors are indicated by the number on the last line of the
haiku. The corresponding list of names and e-mail addresses
appears at the end of the article. I shall discuss these haiku
by reference to this number. If the readers of Dogwood Blossoms
wish to comment on these haiku, please keep in mind these are
supposed to be beginners and that the setting was provided
beforehand. As a result, the authors may not be able to provide
any details about the "outing" in the haiku.
One initial comment applies to most of the haiku below. It is, I
suppose, a result of our Western civilization that in our poetry
we almost always capitalize the first word of a line. That is,
it has become natural for us Westerners to automatically
capitalize the first letter of the first word on a line in
poetry, or of a sentence. Look, for example, how odd the work of
e.e. cummings appears to Westerners when we first read it. Some
languages, such as Japanese and Arabic, do not even have
capitals. Capitalization is not a requirement of writing haiku.
Proper nouns, of course, would normally require capitalization,
but you as an author of a haiku are under no such requirement to
capitalize the first word of each line. If you don't capitalize,
then you have the option to emphasize some word or picture by
capitalizing a word. As an example, compare the three lines "a
deer steps into the light," "a Deer steps into the light" and "a
deer steps into the Light."
Deer cautiously creeps
Carefully through the meadow
Streamnoise masks my smile. (1)
Biting my apple
Water splashing in the pool
A deer dips her head (2)
At her waterfall,
Eyeing the stranger shyly,
A doe drinks, withdraws. (3)
Ear turns, eye follows
dark pool below the falls
doe spies my repast. (4)
Deer in forests green
Fawns by noisy rapids play
Wolf sees its next meal. (5)
Warm brie, champagne toast
Shy deer kisses wet grey stones
El Capitan shines. (6)
(1) "Streamnoise" should probably be split into the two words.
Reading it, there is a slight distraction as my mind tries to
absorb this unexpected compounded word. Otherwise, I think this
is a good haiku. The introduction of the meadow is allowed as I
was deliberately vague on the details other than to specify a
waterfall. The stream noise acknowledges this, and often there
is a small meadow near a stream or waterfall.
(2) This is interesting. It provides a lot of extra detail by
the mention of other features. For example, "deer" indicates
that you are not specifically in a civilized place. Water
splashing in the pool makes the reader guess as to why the
splash, which is not altogether desirable. Yet, since the
waterfall in the scene is specified (See DB 8, Beginner's Corner)
it could be assumed that everyone knows the waterfall is there
and causing the splash. The general reader not familiar with
Dogwood Blossoms would be at a loss as to why the splash, and
would most likely assume it was caused by the deer dipping her
head into the pool. Hence, it is not ambiguous to the point of
being a problem, but is something to keep in mind. Hikers would
probably grasp the idea that you are resting by the pool, because
usually you would stop to eat something like an apple. Not
always, but this is another point to keep in mind. The comments
about the splash apply here as well. Finally, the line "Biting
my apple" is vague also: who is biting the apple, the deer or the
author? Such ambiguity could be avoided by selecting a different
construction, say, something along the lines of "I bite my
apple." All in all, a bit ambiguous but an excellent start!
(3) This haiku has an interesting twist to it, one not evidenced
by any of the others. Here, the perspective is from the
viewpoint of the deer rather than the hiker/author. All too
often, in our "arrogance" we tend to forget the viewpoint of
others, be they human or animal or whatever. This haiku is a
refreshing break in that it acknowledges that the author is the
visitor and the doe is in her home. It is a good way to pass on
to the reader some of the wonder the author feels at the event.
This haiku, I think, can stand as it is.
(4) The most confusing line here is the first one. Whose ear?
Whose eye? It is not possible to tell from the haiku whether it
was the author or the deer who first heard the other. I really
like the rhythm, the flow from line to line, but I cannot tell
who is doing what, and for me the haiku falls apart as I spend
more time figuring out who did what than just reading and
enjoying the haiku. Actions, if they are included, should not be
left ambiguous. The idea is there, but the ambiguity needs to be
taken out so that the reader knows who is doing what.
(5) There is nothing really wrong with this. The poem implies a
herd of deer without having to state specifically that there is a
herd, which would then require an answer to the question, "a herd
of what?" A beautiful piece of compactness. The picture of
impending action, the wolf striking at a fawn, adds an element of
excitement sometimes difficult to include in a haiku. The
question is left hanging in the air: Did the wolf get its meal,
or did the fawns detect the attack, in spite of the noise of the
water, in time to escape? One thing I wish to point out here, is
that in this haiku, I will accept the wolf because I specified
the setting and left the details up to the author. If this were
written and submitted as an original haiku based on the author's
experiences, it would be required that he or she have actually
experienced the entire scene and not thrown in the wolf to
provide the element of suspense. I mention this only because it
is an easy trap to fall into if one is not careful. I am
fortunate to live where I have actually had encounters in the
wild with wolves, but some of us can only dream of such. Such
dreams, however powerful a poem they make, have no place in a
haiku. Haiku are snapshots of reality, be they scenes or
experiences, and this needs to be kept in mind. A beautiful
haiku.
(6) Warm brie and champagne toast bespeak a hiker who likes the
finer things of life, even when out in nature. As is, however,
these refinements do not really provide anything to the haiku.
Too much foreknowledge is assumed for the reader: that he or she
understands that this scene is tied to Dogwood Blossoms #8
Beginners Corner. If this poem were to be posted on a bulletin
board in a hallway, few people would be able to tie in the cheese
and toast. One could infer that they are a snack for the author,
but that is not obvious until the last line is read. The reader
starts out a little puzzled, and that can detract from the
enjoyment of the haiku. One other comment: it is obvious you are
in a national park--the reference to El Capitan gives that. A
reader who didn't know about Dogwood Blossoms #8 could not tell
if you were in your car, at a roadside pull-out, at a picnic
area, or what. You might want to work on this also.
The one problem that I have with all these haiku is that no
specific location can be determined. No one, except (5) and
perhaps (6), gives enough information for us to know if these
haiku take place by a meadow in the forest, by a waterfall near a
farm, in a petting-zoo-type setting, in the hills, in the
mountains, or any such. There is nothing specific enough to
actually picture the place itself. Enough detail should be given
that the reader does not have to guess at the place, but can
readily grasp from the haiku the generic location. Some haiku
can be written in a general fashion because of the situation
being described. If we were describing an action or ctivity,
then describing that act clearly is more important than a clear
description of the scene where it happened. However, in this
excersise, our goal is to describe describe a scene. Therefore
the most important thing is to avoid ambiguity as to location or
what is going on. A reader would, I think, assume that these
haiku were the result of hiking somewhere and would probably
provide automatically the location he or she would expect to have
such an encounter in. The use of the deer sets this up, so it is
not something that has to be fixed explicitly. But what about
people who have no experience in the outdoors? If it is possible
that you are describing something that could take place anywhere,
it then becomes important that you eliminate as many of the
erroneous guesses as to where it is happening. To test this
observation, I read some of these haiku to others and asked what
sort of location they envisioned. They came up with a stream in
the woods, a meadow by a stream, near a farm. Two had no
location at all in mind and said they pictured an action but not
scenery.
All in all, I am pleased that you contributors to the first
Beginners Corner have such a good grasp of how to write haiku.
Each of you has a different viewpoint, and by reading these poems
with one another--together with the comments pertinent to the
individual haiku--I'm sure you can gain insights to improving
your own work. Remember, these are simply MY opinion. I am not
an expert by any means, and there are others who will challenge
some of what I say. My comments are meant only to guide you, not
to become set rules by which you write haiku.
So, here is your assignment: fix up the haiku so that they
deliver to the reader a specific location rather than just "in a
meadow" or "by a stream." Don't lose sight of your original
picture in the process. Authors (5) and (6) have enough of a
location already and can ignore this part and concentrate on the
comments specific to their haiku. Although I said I would
provide individual feedback via e-mail to the various authors, I
was unable to do so. Now that I am getting caught up on stuff, I
fully expect to be able to do so in the future. Send your
revisions or comments to me at this e-mail address:
bblohm@hpbs1686.boi.hp.com.
(1) Kathy Wedeking, zzdpbi@acc.wuacc.edu
(2) Lindsay Marshall, Lindsay.Marshall@newcastle.ac.uk
(3) Charles Trumbull, TrumbullC@aol.com
(4) Andrea, ALPet@aol.com
(5) Thomas Wolf, zzwolf@acc.wuacc.edu
(6) Maggie Johnson, MJOHNSON@UKCC.UKY.EDU
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